Cold
by 5Z8491
Summary: When they come back from a mission in Russia, Steve accidently falls asleep on the sofa and has some flashbacks. Readers beware- self harm and depression.
1. Chapter 1

All the avengers had just gotten back from a mission- fairly easy they were pretty tired though. The mission was in Russia so it was very cold and at one point, they were thrown into the harsh freezing ocean. After they had dried off, it had slowly become tradition to sit and watch a film when they were ready. Half way through the shawshank redemption Natasha spoke mockingly:

"Oh wow look, cap's asleep!" Everyone turned their heads to see Steve sleeping peacefully on the sofa," what do you think he's dreaming about?" Tony butted in,

"Probably puppies and rainbows... Who knows what sort of shit goes through his mind."

_After the radio went static Steve sat in silence, he debated moving but gravity held him down in his seat with his hands stuck in their place. He really didn't know what was the worst part of it, the fact that he couldn't move or the fact that the only thing he could hear was his own thoughts and the earth falling around him. It was definitely the silence. Although he was not drowning physically (yet) mentally, the voices in his head were going insane._

_'Steve, you've always wanted to die. Why don't you want to now?'_

_'This would've been young Stevens dream'_

_'You're a loser, you suddenly want to live?!'_

_'You're not saving anyone. You've ruined lives. Buckys death was your fault.'_

_Suddenly, he was snapped out of his thoughts when the grass cracked from the ice and water flooded in. _

_It was so cold._

_Steve wanted to scream but he couldn't, the water was now up to his waist and he couldn't feel his legs. All the other thoughts were gone, all he could focus on was Peggy and Bucky. He had let them down so much. 'Never could back away from a fight could you?' _

_The water was now past his chin, the bitter taste of saltwater entered his mouth. He began to choke, it was horrible _

_It was so cold._

_The sea water entered his lungs and he was now drowning on the inside, he could taste- smell, the salt. Eventually, after brutal struggling minutes, Steve began to see black. His mother had always said that it ends with a white light that you walk towards. At least, that is what everyone else had said. But this was nothing like that. This was... Loneliness. No creature was near him, no voice to calm him and no voice to warm him up. He only felt his eyes stinging, his only friend here was the darkness. His only friend was regret. His whole life was flashing before his eyes._

_It was so col- freezing._

_These feelings were not new to him, he felt them his whole life. When he was younger, the only thing he could turn to were his scars. They covered his wrists and decorated his whole body. He found them beautiful but no one else thought so, they didn't understand. There was no 'therapy' or drugs there was just the darkness you could find comfort in._

When Steve began to breathe heavily and move about, the avengers took turns in waking him up. Thor tried telling but it didn't work, they all tried everything,

"If he's having nightmares or whatever I don't give a crap wake him up so he isn't distracting us. I'm really getting into this film!" Natasha complained.

Steve had awoken just in time to hear the comment, he simply apologised and went up to his room. When Steve arrived, he frantically searched for his razor.

_'You've been clean for weeks are you sure you want to do this?'_

As Steve was about to use it he spoke,

"Um, Jarvis, is it? If there is any security cameras please turn them off'

'If you insist sir.'

And finally, Steve felt the sweet relief he hadn't felt in a while.

AN- I might continue. Idk please review.


	2. Doctors

As I wake up, I feel one thing: numb. I sit on the edge of my bed for a while just staring at the blank wall, I feel nothing. Last nights events replay through my mind, Russia, the nightmares and the horrible words that were cuts I made are deep but I feel no pain...I'm just used to it.

I need a plan for my day as there are no missions. But first,before I do anything, I must stitch up these wounds because if someone sees an open wound that I didn't report at the debriefing; Rumours are going to start. SHIT! Oh bloody hell, I have to go to the psychiatrist today at... 11:30

ITS 10:45 I AM GOING TO BE LATE. Quickly, I stitch myself up, get ready then go on my Harley to the doctors. Even though the doctor will not care about my identity, the paparazzi will. I have to wear a disguise because otherwise there will be words about 'Captain America going insane'. I could've gone to the psychiatrists at SHIELD but then everyone would've known about me and I cannot deal with that right now.

The queue for the doctors is short yet it feels like forever since there are a million thoughts in my mind right now. If my Peggy was here she would hold my hand and tell me everything is alright... But she's not. Sometimes she doesn't recognise me because of her dementia yet I tell her my name and deal with the reaction she has: Steve? It's been so long! I am so glad you are alive!

I'm so glad you are alive.

Well that makes one person. Everyone else thinks of captain America. In mid thought, some kind of machinery beeps and tells me the doctor will see me now. I knock on the door and a male answers,"come in Steve." Nervously, I take my disguise off and sit down,

"Hello Doctor..." DARN IT IVE FORGOTTEN HIS NAME.

"Phellis. It's Doctor James Phellis." My eyes widen at the name James," You can call me James if you want. Why are you here today, Steve?" My throat burns but I answer,

"I haven't been feeling too well, James. I haven't been... Happy."

"How long have you felt this way." His voice is full of concern

"Um, about 80 years James."

"Certainly haven't heard that before," he chuckles lightly,"What caused this?"

My mind flashes back to when I was younger: over bearing mother, getting beat up every day, fathers death, I was the little guy in every scenario. To answer all his question I say all of my reasons.

"What did you do about it?"

I have a feeling he knows what I am about to say.

"I self harmed. I never ran away from a fight even though I would get beaten up badly. I would push away anyone close to me."

"Why did you do this Steve?"

I let out a deep sigh and clutch the arm on the black chair tighter,

"I felt like I deserved it. But the self harming that made me feel an odd sense of happiness, it was like I was in control of something in my life. I was not in control of anything, I couldn't do anything about my fathers death, the nightmares.."

James interrupts me mid sentence,

"Nightmares? What happened in them? Do you still have them?"

"It was where I was stripped of everything, I would be even smaller and everyone would be Giants. They would hurt me and kick me," I pause because suddenly I do not feel well," yes I still have them. They are memories of when I was in the ice and the war.. The worst was when... Was when a man was skinned and burnt, alive. He was behind glass, I could not do anything yet he kept calling my name even as they did what they did. I feel guilty about that one" I really do not feel well now.

"It was not your fault, he was not in your reach, Steve." My face must've lost all colour because he then says," there's a bin there if you need to - uh.."

Before he finishes his sentence I dash across the room and spend the next 20 minutes vomiting into the big grey bin.

"Okay Steve one last question. Do you want to be alive right now?"

There's a long pause before I finally speak,

"I think I should've died under the ice. I'm clearly in the wrong time and I do not belong... As my team constantly reminds me."

"Here's what I see, tell me if you think I'm wrong." I nod my head," I see a man suffering from extreme guilt, you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You probably do not want to hear it but I think you are suffering from depression." I knew it.

My head drops to stare at the white clean floor.

"For now I will try and give you therapy so you have someone to talk to. I will try to give you anti depressants if that does not work but with the serum it might now work."

I shake the doctors hand, put my disguise back on and head back to the tower. I am back yet I do not bother greeting anyone as they do not care. I lay in my room and there's only one thing I can think,

_I'm so cold_.

**AN- so guys this is written from yours truly's personal experience. Please please review. I haven't proof read this or anything so I apologise for spelling mistakes, I am trying to update ad quickly as I can for you guys. Ily all❤️**


	3. Chapter 3

_Alright guys before I start heres and important thing you need to read. I'm basing one of my characters off this fallen angel from American horror story, if you know who she is you don't need to read this if not continue. Basically, she is an angel a character will see at a time they want to/ are going to die. She gives the character a choice, if you don't want to die she dissapears but if you do, she kisses you on the lips. Also ,you guys need to review. Please_.

As I woke up I felt was 5am and we were all getting called in for a mission; it was to fight off some wannabe criminals. Usually this would be fine but today I do not feel right. Everything feels slow and disorientated. Nonetheless I am going downstairs to make a quick milkshake so I have some energy.

_I feel so cold_.

I have two t shirts on underneath my uniform to warm me up but nothing works. However, it will have to do I guess. I hear noise behind me it's tony saying,' Cap, you ready or does gramps need a few more minutes?"

I hate it when they call me cap or gramps.

"Have you ever considered calling me Steve? You know instead of cap, which is short for captain so I don't really-"

I am cut off by Tony,

"Is grandpa losing his mind? Cap is short for time capsule. Duh. Anyway we gotta go."

That comment made a shiver run through my spine. However, I just rolled eyes and headed towards the jet on the roof.

We have been fighting this battle for 4 hours straight and I don't know if I can be bothered to fight anymore. It's easy taking them out but there's just... So many. I'm dangerously close to the cliff but it's fine, if I fall Tony or someone will catch me right?

What if I don't want to be caught? They hate me so why would he come at catch me? If I fall it would look like an accident. Assuring myself that the others aren't looking; I kick off one last wannabe and step back. The wind blowing past my ears,

_It was so cold_.

Pieces of debris are falling around me, mostly mud and grass. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Suddenly, a woman dressed in black approaches me,

"You want me to kiss you don't you, Steve?"

I nod my head,

"Now is not your time, you still have much to live for."

The next part I don't remember as well. Something silver grabbed me, it looked like an arm; I passed out but when as I wake up back on the top of the cliff, the man with the silver arm is walking away.

I'll have to look in to who that was.

"Oh look cap you're awake," Tony pauses whilst I stand up," there's still more coming and uh, your shield, the main guy broke it..." The shield, broken into three pieces is at my feet. One of the only things I brought from the 40's, all I can feel is white hot fury,

"Where is he?" My tone dipped in pure anger

"Well he's not a man he's a robot-"

"I SAID WHERE IS HE ?"

Everyone stared in shock as Tony pointed towards a robot west of me. I'm so angry, I think this anger has been bottled up for quite some time.

I start to sprint towards the 'robot'. He has his back turned to me. Unsure of what I am grabbing I pick up an object next to me, it feels very light but it's something to hit the robot with. In one quick movement I hit the robot with the object and he falls to the floor, he looks like he has been electrocuted by something.

"Well done captain." He says in a deep voice. Confused, I look at what I am holding. Oh my...

Thor's hammer.

I turn around to see the other avengers. They're all scoffing and rolling their eyes at me I even heard the word,

"Jerk."

I realise something

_I'm even colder than before_.

_REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW PLEASEE :)_

_This is really shit I'm sorry._


	4. We are at war

**This is the long waited final chapter! I'm so sorry I waited so long, it's been a bit hard, been in a bad place. But hey, my writing has improved so much you can probably smell the change. I might upload it as a one shot also. **

Steve knew that there was a war going on in Europe in 1939, there was lots of deaths. So maybe it shouldn't have surprised him when he'd heard those words escape from Bucky's lips on December 7th 1941.

Steve opened his eyes to Bucky running around their tiny apartment talking to himself, as if he was stressed.

"Bucky?"

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to Steve. He relaxed a bit more; he still looked a mess, however. His hair flopped down over his ears, he really needed a haircut. It's surprising he hasn't gotten one recently as he hates having long hair. His shirt wasn't properly tucked in and he had dark circles under his eyes ( perhaps the fact that he wasn't smiling made it all terrible. )

"Steve. It's awful. Everyone's getting ready to-"

"Bucky, what's going on?"

The curiosity really was killing him. Bucky seriously needed to calm down, on the verge of hyperventilating, why was he so stressed?

"We are at war."

The words really shouldn't have shocked him as much as they did back then. Steve wasn't a kid so he should've understood what war meant. It was overwhelming, really. For some reason, the four words made their way into the rest of his life, into his nightmares and his wildest dreams. Whatever you want to call it. During WW2, they were told that the war was to help the people back home, so that they don't get blown up or invaded by enemy countries. And back then, he didn't believe that lie. Still doesn't. He used google to try and help him get a definition it only said:

war- noun

a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country.

"Japan declared war on Germany"

synonyms: conflict, warfare, combat, fighting, struggle, armed conflict, action, military action, bloodshed, contest, tussle.

But those words do not define the war. They don't define what it is like seeing a man burn before your very eyes or hearing the piercing scream of your 'best friend'. History books say that they were just friends, memories state something else.

Ultron made a jab towards him,

'Captain America. God's righteous man. Pretending you could live without a war."

Ultron was right, captain America can't live without war, it's all he knows. But Steve Rogers hates war, he never wants to see anything like World War 2 again. He never wants to see children crying and terrified parents again.

Captain America is tough, but Steve isn't.

Steve and the avengers, they didn't get along that great. Tony just reminded him of Howard and Natasha reminded him of Peggy. Thor Bruce and Clint reminded him of the Howling Commandos. It shouldn't be hard to look at them but it is. Steve wielded Thor's hammer but he didn't want it, the shield was his and nothing else was. They just swept that under the rug. Made their lives a bit easier.

Sam is a great friend, understanding and hilarious, he makes Steve feel wanted. Well most of the time. Sometimes, Steve forgets how mean the avengers can be. After the fall of shield, they kept asking Steve why he cared so much about finding 'Binky or Bucky or whatever'. Steve is mostly an open person, so he told them. He told them about his love for Bucky. They only made fun of him - even made up a cute little joke:

"Wow! And all this time I thought there was no D in Rogers!"

Yes, Tony thinks he's hilarious. Just can't stop himself from joking around.

Well, that's what Steve thought. Eventually, he found Bucky. Or Bucky found him. What's most important is that they both found a bit more of themselves

Steve was coping, maybe it wasn't the best method. But it helped; Steve lonely so he did what he had to do. The nightmares were getting worse and worse. It was four am and blood was dripping down Steve's sink. The serum would deal with that, he's okay. Surely. The bathroom was an ugly yellow/ white colour. A standard apartment that he could afford in shield's wages. Tony asked/ was forced to ask Steve to move into the tower. He denied, of course. Made both their lives easier.

A knock erupted through the tiny apartment, he was startled. Grunting something along the lines of 'Who the hell is knocking at this time, I don't want visitors.' But he cleaned up himself and shouted that he'd be there in a minute. You see, the thing is, Steve wanted to be alone. He wants to be in a dark (warm) cave with no one there where he can just scream until his throat turned into razors and his lungs were empty. He wanted to scream until his face turned red from the vasodilation and he was actually warm instead of living in a cold hell fire. In all of his experience, he's learnt hell is cold, hell is where your muscles are frozen but you're still awake. He wanted to do it whilst he stood still; so he didn't have to run until his heart was ready to burst and the lactic acid didn't pool into his body to burn his muscles. So yes, he wanted to be alone. But he didn't want to be lonely.

Steve's blistered feet carried him to the door somehow, he was so tired he thought he saw Bucky through the peephole. Hallucinations were a common thing for him. Last week, he thought he saw Bucky around a street corner. Calloused hands opened the door and Bucky (?) hugged Steve. The man must have noticed Steve's confusion as he said,

'You used to wear newspaper on your shoes, your mom's name was Sarah.

It's me Steve, your pal. Your buddy. Your Bucky."

For some reason, unknown to Him and Bucky, Steve's eyes produced tears. They weren't like before, tears of numbness that he couldn't feel running down. These tears held 70+ years of emotion, these tears left red swelling and warmth in their path. These caused a storm to start in Steve's head. Finally, these tears rid the memory of a terrified scream and a face full of desperation.

They stood there for hours, just hugging. They needed this, just to be touched. To be needed. Bucky came inside Steve's shitty apartment. Then they did a little more than hug- it's legal now anyway.

It lasted weeks like that before Bucky talked to the avengers and not just Steve or Sam. Most of them didn't mind Bucky. Sam thought he was great, he made Steve happy so what's the harm? Tony didn't take much liking to Bucky; he kept insisting that he was a demon and should be killed. He blamed Bucky (or the winter soldier) for the death of his parents. Apparently, Tony had been collecting 'evidence' for weeks to blame Bucky. He said Bucky should be placed on trial. Steve insisted that Tony kept blaming the gun instead of the one pulling the trigger.

And there it was.

That one sentence was all it took to rip the avengers into two. Thor wasn't on Earth so he wasn't involved, but everyone else took sides. There was only two: Team Iron Man or Team Captain America. It was this... This civil war, that showed everyone's true colours. Natasha and Steve had really started to get along and work together but she sided with Tony. Steve couldn't help but feel a little broken because of that. He was getting better too. With Bucky around, the ice digging in his heart began to melt and his bed felt warmer. He still stood a little close to the edge at times, he ran too fast, didn't open up, screamed too hard and had nightmares. But Bucky was there for him and now the coping methods were different, that's all that mattered.

_Steve chose his team carefully, a small collection of people he could trust. At least he had Wanda on his team, she could manipulate people as a last resort, she's also a very loyal person. He's glad about that. It's enough. It has to be. They're a small group but they hold a lot of power and Steve, he really is grateful, perhaps his heart is dragging his body down so much that he just can't even lift his mouth. _

_"So, what's happening. And make it short please." _

_Hawkeye asks this whilst he is pouring himself a cup of coffee, no one else bothers to ask him for some, they know he's going to drink it all._

_"We..." Steve hesitated, he knew it was those words coming out of his mouth, "We are at war."_

_Clint drank the coffee straight from the pot. Usually they would've laughed. _

_Everyone's faces remained the same stone cold expression._

_..._

_One fight in particular drained them all. Scott almost died and Wanda almost lost a leg. Because of this, Wanda had bruises and a long scar was on Scott's face; during the team meeting Steve couldn't help but stare, he couldn't get bruises and the scars disappeared. Captain America is not weak, he does not hurt, the captain is not affected from previous injuries. Steve is._

_They regrouped in a temporary safe house, it wouldn't remain safe for long however. _

_"We need somewhere more secure to stay. Somewhere we could be incognito, at least." Steve scanned their faces, they looked deep in thought. No where really was safe. _

_"We could use my farm," Steve stopped listening from there on. He remembered Bucky's family, they were a big one. When Steve and Bucky moved out to live on their own, his family stayed there, they visited often. Word had gotten out that Bucky Barnes was Captain's right hand man, so when they visited mid-war. The house was destroyed and his family dead. Just it get to Steve. _

_"Cap?" Clint asked him, searching for an answer. Steve couldn't do this to Clint's family - no one else is getting killed. _

_"No. There's got to be somewhere else." Captain America spoke._

...

"_Steve. Are you listening?" The doctor asked. Steve nodded," can you describe yourself for me?"_

_"I'm Captain America." He says it like it's enough. _

Steve saw a therapist weekly, he doesn't think it helps, it's better than the group sessions though. When he began to see the doctor, the man laughed lightly at his own jokes, wore a black suit with a straight green tie and spoke in a gentle tone. Now he looked irritated half the time, his tie lay on the floor, his sleeves rolled up to the elbows and his tone held no emotion or sympathy.

And that is exactly what Steve needed.

"_Steve. Listen to me." Steve nodded," describe yourself for me."_

_"I'm-" They both knew what Steve was going to say. _

_"No, goddammit, describe Steve. I've asked you to do this ten times and you've given me the same answer."_

_Steve thought for a moment. He had nothing. _

_"I don't need this I'm leaving."_

_Captain America stood up and left the room._

_That night he ran until acid burnt his muscles and he couldn't move. He punched a bag so hard it dented a wall. He coped. _

Their new safe house was better, more secure. But, hell, it was cold. It wasn't freezing, just cold. Bearable. Enough to set him off. Bucky was there, subtly rubbing his back, only Sam knew about them being 'together' ( again). Sam gave him a look of reassurance. It wasn't enough. Sharon, Scott and Wanda were all looking at Clint with amusement. He was obviously telling some sort of story- maybe about his family. They all knew that he had one now anyway. Steve doesn't want a family, he has Bucky and that's enough. He wishes he could tell them about him and Bucky but... But what? There's no excuses anymore. Oh god, he feels like a huge jerk, he told Bucky to wait, but for what? Bucky must hate him.

His hands sweat and start shaking. The silence begins to drown him and his chest tightens and it's all too much and he can't breathe. Surely Bucky notices because he whispers,

"Hey, it's okay. I lo-" His angelic voice interrupted by a cough from Scott. Sharon and Clint are giggling. Wanda is not, she looks alarmed; she's entered Steve's head before, she knows that he won't like this next sentence,

"Hey Cap, Language!" He shouts and bursts out laughing. Wanda's eyes are so wide they might just pop out. Bucky's expression turns stoic, Sam is biting his lip so hard it might bleed. Captain America blinks and Steve talks, barely audible,

"Fuck off." Scott's face turns to shock, as do Sharon's and Clint's. Bucky looks amused yet glad, Steve is coming back. The Captain hasn't won. Not yet anyway. There's confidence (adrenaline) flowing through his veins so he just decides, "Screw it."

He grabs Bucky's face and kisses him, they've been in hiding for long enough. This isn't the 40's. Bucky smiles, Sam cheers, Clint and Scott both give Sharon 10 dollars, Sharon looks smug. Wanda has a shy smile and says something along the lines of 'About time.'

And in that moment, life felt (close enough to) perfect.

The next battle, everything they worked for got dragged into the mud.

They are winning, Tony's team is weakened. Vision isn't fighting, Tony's suit is destroyed. They have the upper hand. This is good. Yet the captain just had to turn his head. He saw children crying and frightened parents. Houses were destroyed, he doesn't know how, but it was by them. They caused children to cry. Memories from world war 2 flooded back, the lies they were told. Everything seemed too familiar.

"We aren't even fighting for the people anymore. We're just fighting."

His voice barely a whisper,

He is not captain America.

He is not Steve Rogers (that punk who never backed down).

He is not.

Tony noticed how his fighting stance dropped. The captain looked confused, like a man lost in time. He looked like Steve. Tony grabbed a gun, it had two bullets. He pointed it at Steve's(?) head,

"I'm gonna end this. Right now. Any last words?" Tony sounded hysterical.

"We are at war." Steve seemed unfazed

"Yeah no shit, what did you think this was? A walk in the park?" He snorted.

"Bucky said those exact words to me 74 years ago. The fighting, it never stops, even if you sacrifice your own life. " Tony's gun lowered a bit, he had to admit, the words touched him for some reason. So, possibly Tony let Steve free. Steve wouldn't have it, he would turn himself in. He spends a lot of time in a cold prison cell, anxiety creeping up on his shoulder. He wouldn't be able to feel the lactic acid anymore, or cope.

Bucky would curl in Steve's bed at night and refuse to wash the sheets. He'd spend his days visiting Steve, sometimes he'd forget to eat. Wanda will well him sleep, singing a sokovian lullaby and using her powers to calm him.

Sam spends his days looking after Bucky, making sure he didn't die or anything like that. He didn't run anymore, his new running shoes would lay abandoned in the corner of his cupboard. The words 'on your left' will flash his mind whenever he looks at them. He'd never wear them anymore. He'd become a mess.

Or perhaps Tony did pull the trigger.

The country would mourn, yet his funeral would be private. Just Bucky, Sam and Wanda would probably be there in the background. She connected to Steve, he was her idol. His coffin would have an American flag on it, before Bucky pulled it off.

"He's not even American. Steve isn't American."

"You think the world cares about that?" Sam would respond.

Tears would be shed that day. Lots of sadness, and it's a shame because that day would be really warm and the birds would sing happily. (Funerals are held when it's not raining and even a happy person would cry on such a beautiful day)

Bucky would curl in Steve's bed at night and refuse to wash the sheets. He'd spend his days visiting Steve's grave, sometimes he'd forget to eat. Wanda will well him sleep, singing a sokovian lullaby and using her powers to calm him through tears of her own.

Sam spends his days checking on Bucky, making sure he didn't die or anything like that. He didn't run anymore, his new running shoes would lay abandoned in the corner of his cupboard. The words 'on your left' will flash his mind whenever he looks at them. He'd never wear them anymore. He would burn them, it was too much.

Now, it doesn't matter whether Tony pulled the trigger or not. What matters is the fact that, either way,

The world lost Steve Rogers.

**Please review! And I know Bucky didn't say the your Bucky thing but it's my fic so I do what I want :)**


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